FILMS (Cinema & Made for TV)
The Earth Dies Screaming
And the first prize for Sleepy English Village goes to…?
While the entire population has a Sunday morning lie-in, a handful of insomniacs, desperate to get some sleep, try all sorts of things to wear themselves out. Drinking, looting, kidnapping, bank robbing, inconsiderate parking, having babies, hiding in cupboards, running over sleepwalkers, blowing things up, crashing cars, stealing planes and shooting corpses. None of it works of course, but then I could have told them that. Er, I mean… whoops… I wouldn’t know, never tried it (nonchalant whistling).
Opportunity knox for Pussy, Tilly, Mai Ling and Dink – The Goldfinger Singers – as their manager, Gertie, gets them their biggest ever gig in the US of A, putting on a show for the troops. But tragedy strikes as their bodyguard (an ex painter and decorator who really doesn’t like golf balls) would rather spend all his time planning a school for haberdashery themed assassins and lets a rather fanatical fan dressed as a duck slip through backstage. It’s alright though, Gertie defuses the situation by inviting the fan round for a nut roast! Sadly, the Goldfinger Singers’ performance puts the entire US Army to sleep! Still, it could have been worse. It could have been the Beatles.
Staff at the remote St Grumpy’s Hospital in the sleepy little village of Nowhere-on-the-wold don’t know what’s hit them when a friendly, co-operative, patient who’s ‘not from round here’ turns up having swallowed a plate, lost his belt and been chased into traffic by a couple of very persistant women. When the phones stop working and the thermostat accidentally gets stuck on ‘mega’ things get even worse; the nurse becomes a walking fire hazard, the switchboard operator goes mental and Dr Vernon’s plans for a quiet night go all to waste, literally. There’s also a killer cat, a dirty book, a man in a truck, a surprise game of Doc Major Scissors and the strangest feeling that you’ve seen some of this before…
Island of Terror
He’s a pathologist; brave, witty, always there to give you a hand. He’s a doctor; a square jawed hero, who tells it like it is. She’s… erm… well… um… she looks good in just a big shirt. Together they must travel to a remote island somewhere off the coast of somewhere. They’ve got a bone to pick with a fellow scientist who’s let a million silly cats run riot, terrorising the locals who are so scared they’re literally turning to jelly. And if that wasn’t bad enough, we find out where Pot Noodles come from. I knew those things were evil but I’ll never sleep again now.
Night of the Big Heat
Cheating landlords, sweaty barmaids, melting tramps, hysterical sluts, twitchy sex pests, burning dogs, an army of alien jelly disintegrating fields full of sheep….It’s amazing what I can see out of my upstairs window. Anyway, it’s now time for Night Of The Big Heat. I wonder what happens in it.
TimeVault is going to the movies! So chloroform your wife, throw your secretary out of the window and then you can sit back and relax as you watch John, Mark and Major Clark navigate their way through the minefield of Invisible Elevators, Overly Dramatic Staircases, Improbable Scientific Theories, Awkward Dinner Parties, Nasty-Looking Jumpers, Sweaty Midnight Runs… Some Bricks… and an Unnnearthhhhly Straaaangeeeerrrr. And if you don’t like it, bugger off and paint your bathroom!
The Wicker Man
An uptight scotsman travels to a remote island where the locals are obsessed with fruit. He stays at an inn with the best room service in the world (you get more than breakfast in bed at this place). They invite him to trade with them; the landlord’s daughter offers him melons and a juicy peach in exchange for some plums but all he’s got is a cherry and he doesn’t want to lose that. So they show him round the island instead. He thinks their idea of healthy living is just bananas, but he takes part in their may-day festival where the punch makes him act like a fool and run off into the caves with a young girl. He joins in their barbecue where they all gather round the camp fire for a sing song and present him with a leaving present of a huge fruit basket. All in all, quite a pleasant holiday.
Until he finds out there’s no fruit, then he gets a bit hot tempered.
The Woman in Black (1989 TV version)
If there’s something strange/In your remote, isolated, creepy old english mansion/Who you gonna call?/The solicitors! Are you mad?
Because this solicitor has had no training in fighting ghosts whatsoever. He doesn’t have a doctorate, he doesn’t have an un-tested, un-licenced nuclear accelerator on his back. He’s got a dog. A little dog. That runs away. He doesn’t know how to use a fireplace, he can’t swim, can’t follow instructions, and wouldn’t recognise a hint if it broke into his hotel room and climbed into bed with him. Which it does.
Biggles – Adventures in Time
A wannabe TV chef with a penchant for eating animal vomit and dressing like a woman keeps waking up in muddy fields with a man who’s trying to get his camel across France in order to ask the neighbours to keep the noise down. There’s a man who lives in a clock, a woman eating dodgy mushrooms in an igloo and a hoax phone-caller who offers the strangest advice to people.
Carry On Cruising
All aboard the Happy Wanderer for a quick round-the-world cruise. The first round of FloDears are on us….just don’t eat the cake.
Carry On Abroad
Good Morning everybody, welcome to Wundatours! We shall be arriving at ElsBels shortly where we have a wonderful weekend planned. We shall be staying at a marvellous no star hotel that hasn’t been finished yet, staffed by humourously baffled locals. You’ll have plenty of time to enjoy sunbathing in the torrential rain and we have a charming outing to the local town where we have arranged for you to take part in a street brawl with the local prostitutes followed by a night in an overcrowded mixed jail cell. A last minute addition to the schedule is a huge piss-up before we leave. I would ask that anyone allergic to mosquito bites, wet cement and ankle bracelets takes plenty of medication. Everybody ready? Off we go!