The Man with the Golden Gun
Nick Nack, baddie whack, give the girl a bone. Having earned a nice holiday in Honk Kong, Bond gets into trouble straight away by flashing his tits at the wrong businessman.  He gatecrashes a Bruce Lee Appreciation Society meeting in his pyjamas, narrowly avoids a humongous kicking with the help of the local girls school after hours ninja club and gets arrested for joyriding in a stolen car with a racist stereotype. On the second day… he tracks down his biggest fan, shoots him and burns down his house, Bond then attends a wine wasting party where a bimbo and a midget fight over his junk. All that’s left now is to take revenge on his tailor.

Licence To Kill
Hey, old buddy. I’m afraid we can only spend a few minutes at the Blofeld Memorial Sanctuary for Retired Evil Cats, we’ve got a wedding to go to remember. Yes, I’ve got the presents; a leg from you and a crispy drug smuggler from me. You’ll have to hijack a petrol tanker to get there on time – and don’t forget, they like swearing, so practice saying ‘bastard’ a lot. No, that’s it.  Just remember to wear your best pink trousers, and can you feed the shark before you leave? Oh you have, bless your heart.

Diamonds Are Forever
For his latest scheme, Blofeld’s been dragged all the way to Las Vegas but Bond doesn’t want to go after him, he’s getting too old for all this. To be franks, he goes all the way to Vegas just so he can visit a crematorium and he’s feeling burnt out.  He gets his arse handed to him by a couple of disney characters, has a fight with a waiter over a bottle of wine and finds himself in the middle of a car chase on the moon!  If that wasn’t enough, his cheeky new girlfriend, who has a fetish for uncomfortable beds and exploding underwear, seems to be wigging out and switching sides. And all this because Blofeld’s trying to kill people with carrots! Still I can think of at least two excellent reasons for Bond to go to Las Vegas, and that’s plenty!

A View To A Kill
When the legendary insane genetically engineered masked swashbuckler known as Zorro loses all his money at the races, his permanently distressed girlfriend won’t leave him alone.  Nag, nag, nag, all day long. So, armed only with an endless supply of henchwomen, millions of dollars worth of real estate, a killer car wash, a mad scientist, every stick of dynamite in the universe and a balloon with a Z on it; he tries to quickly recoup his losses by going to San Francisco and cornering the market in really small chip shops. But Fish and Chips are Britain’s answer to haute cuisine, dammit!  You can’t take them away from us.  So in rides Bond with his trusty Steed.  But it’s his last day on the job and he’s planning to take it easy…a bubble bath, a hair colouring, a cookery course, surfing lessons…  Oh well, Charlie’s Angels and The Chinese Detective will have to sort it out.