A hero who doesn’t talk, a man who’s always having a hunch, an extremely unhelpful execution victim, a dead dad who throws rodents at women, spontaneous amphibian revivification, rough sex, public humiliation, grave robbing, a carrier bag with a man’s face in it and the strangest game of statues ever. This is Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter: Madder than a hat full of frogs.
Dracula AD 1972
You’ve had Sexploitation. You’ve had Blaxploitation. Now it’s time for Fangsploitation as the legendary Count prepares to wake up and smell the seventies. What’s happened to the world? Why’s everything beige? Why’s everyone bored? Yes, I know there were a couple of buxom wenches for me to snack on yesterday but I mean, come on, I live on a building site with two young vampires called Johnny and Bob; My image is in serious need of some attention. …What’s that? The family Van Helsing you say? One of them wears low cut dresses and takes a lot of deep breaths? Well that’s more like it! Bob, fetch my John Travolta suit! It’s time to hit the streets of ’72 and rub some funk on it!
Dracula Prince of Darkness
A professional cat impressionist with an outdated sense of dress, a medically recognised allergy to sunlight and a desperate need for some dental work is unfairly victimised by a bunch of squatters who’ve quite clearly mistaken his stately home for the Three Bears hut (they sit in his chairs, eat his food and sleep in his beds). It’s clearly not a fairy tale though because after barging into the poor man’s home and helping themselves to all his stuff, they creep into his bedroom to do who knows what, and he’s forced to defend himself. When Reservoir Priests turn up on the side of the squatters though, it just gets nasty. Victimisation by the church of lonely, disabled social outcasts and English tourists behaving like common criminals? Honestly, what is the world coming to?
Lust for a Vampire
An all-girl boarding school with a see-through dress code, a headmistress who perverts the course of justice, a history teacher who worships the undead and a new member of staff called Dick who’s desperate to introduce all the girls to his Richard (or something like that)… That’s right, in the best tradition of shows like Panorama or Newsnight, we look at a fly-on-the-wall documentary about the declining standards of education.
With added blood and tits.
The Satanic Rites of Dracula
Dracula’s a moron. We all know that he’s desperate for some eternal rumpy pumpy (let’s be honest, who isn’t?) and yes, he’s been resourceful enough to have found a mail order company that delivers brides by the crate-load, but that’s where his smarts end. He lives in a remote country house surrounded by a fence made of wooden stakes! His garden is full of vampire-lethal hawthorn bushes! His house is protected by a CCTV system that can’t see him! He has a sprinkler system, which is the same as deadly running water (and doesn’t stop his house from burning down anyway)! We never find out exactly what his company does but I’m willing to bet it makes pencils.
Or Garlic Bread.
Twins of Evil
What a pair! The local schoolteacher finds them to be a right handful, the God-fearing puritans struggle to get to grips with first one, then the other; even the vampire on the hill can’t wait to start sucking on them. Honestly, they just can’t contain themselves. Careful handling is advised. …What’s that?
Yes, I know she’s got a sister. They’re twins. What did you think I was talking about?
The Vampire Lovers
There’s not much that can be said about this one without using words like ‘nubile’, ‘sucking’ ‘chopper’ ‘heaving’, ‘bouncing’ or ‘woodsman’s daughter’ but I’ll try… Ingrid Pitt and Madeline Smith are…..no, that’s it, I need to go and have a cold shower
Blood from the Mummy’s Tomb
One Valerie Leon just isn’t enough. Especially in this tale about a sleepy, scantily clad amputee with an ornament fetish, who takes revenge on a bunch of peeping toms after they break into her bedroom and move stuff. She won’t go down in history as one of the all-time great revenge killers though; she lets her mind wander and it takes her about 20 years to get started. Even then she can’t be bothered to get out of bed, so she has to rely on her more sensibly dressed look-alike to scare the bejeezus out of a few pensioners by moving some statues about. I don’t care what other people might think; Death by Feng Shui won’t get you in anyone’s top ten.
The Mummy’s Shroud
Originally called The Mummy Snored, this is Hammer’s only attempt at a horror-comedy-whodunnit. A narcoleptic accountant, recovering in bandages after getting caught in a fight while on holiday in Egypt, wakes up to find out that the souvenir tea-towel he’d bought for his mummy has been stolen. He decides to track down the burglars and get back his tea-towel only to find that it keeps ending up in the hands of different tourists! Hilarity ensues on the streets of Cairo as he chases (among others) a bumbling photographer, a linguist who can’t read and a Human version of Penfold, only for each one of them to be killed in a run of increasingly hilarious accidents each time his narcolepsy kicks in. As the police begin to close in, no one has realised that the local religious fanatic and his mad old baggage of a mum are also after the tea-towel as it has a secret code written on it that can raise the dead. Can our accountant put 2 and 2 together, find his, rather pathetic, souvenir, stop the tourists from dying and thwart the zombie-raising locals before he’s arrested? Or will he just sleep through the whole thing?
The Devil Rides Out
Spying, trespass, assault, incitement to riot, double kidnapping, multiple car theft, graffiti, wanton vandalism, time manipulation, possession of the living by the dead, chicken in a basket and saying it’s all God’s fault… The aristocracy isn’t what it used to be. I blame the parents.
Dr Jekyll and Sister Hyde
Are you ill? Do you suffer from common diseases, like influenza, diphtheria and death? If the answer to that question is yes, then this new miracle cure from Jekyll Pharmaceutikills is for you. Made from hormones and..er..stuff, this green wonder liquid can cure all ailments! Simply take the daily recommended dose (several regular bottle-fulls whenever you feel like it) and before you can say ‘it wasn’t me, guv’, you’ll feel like a new man. Or woman. Or both.
Warning – this product WILL cause loss of appetite, hairy knuckles, genital disappearance, bi-sexual, schizophrenic trans-gender killing sprees and an aversion to opera.
Hands of the Ripper
Wrists of the Tearer, Knuckles of the Strangler, Thumbs of the Puncher, Index Finger of the Presser – these are just a few of the ideas that were discarded in favour of Hands of the Ripper; a film about whores, frauds, a wet fish and a right berk.
The Hound of the Baskervilles
What do a tarantula, a herring and a butler’s wife’s brother have in common? I don’t know either but they all cause trouble for the World’s Greatest Detective, Sherlock Holmes. So much trouble in fact, that he does a bunk for most of the adventure and decides to try his hand at more respectable employment. His eclectic choices of hotel management, pest control, impressionist and telescope repair man don’t go well though so he decides to jack it all in and live in a swamp. Until a mad spanish gypsy woman has a row with a horny rich toff in a field, whereupon Holmes proceeds to break up the row by fighting a dog with a bag on it’s head.
The Plague of the Zombies
Wanted: Superstitious locals required for labour-intensive mining work. You will be working amongst a team of like-minded individuals, with plenty of “encouragement” from supervisors. Fixed salary, holiday entitlement and career prospects. Uniform of dirty rags will be provided. Successful applicants will be desperate, gullible, injured, hostile to strangers and partial to bongo drums. Must have own corpse.
All enquiries to Man in Creepy Mask, Secret Underground Voodoo Chamber, Abandoned Tin Mine.
Quatermass and the Pit
A film about a bearded scientist in a hole who punches the only woman in London because an insect under a train station tells her to throw stuff at him.