The WILLIAM HARTNELL Years (1963-1966)
An Unearthly Child
Home schooling takes a nasty turn when a grumpy old man locks his grand-daughter’s teachers in a box. RADA re-enacts a pre-historic wrestling tournament while the regular actors are whipped with twigs. And a man on a glockenspiel overdoes it and has to be threatened with burning skulls. Classic.
It’s amazing that this one ever got past the BBC censors. In only the second Doctor Who story ever, the TARDIS crew help the Thals fight and destroy their opponents. Sounds straight forward to us, but hang on a minute! Weren’t the perfect looking, blonde haired, blue eyed people the very model of a perfectly ordered Aryan super race as recommended by the Nazi’s? Not one of the Thals is disabled, deformed or ‘unattractive’, the odd one or two that are weaker than the others get killed off pretty quickly and our heroes teach them all how to fight! They teach the Nazi way to the Nazi poster boys and even join in when they head off to kill all the mutated, deformed inhabitants of the city; all of whom are disabled! They’re all confined to wheelchairs and unable to leave their home, there’s nowhere for them to run to and as a result they’re sitting ducks, mercilessly preyed upon by the Thals until they’re all dead! And then the Doctor and friends head off somewhere else, feeling all smug and happy that they’ve helped wipe out a civilisation. And this is presented as a children’s show?
The Edge of Destruction
TARDIS CLASSIFIEDS. For Sale: Melted Clocks, Empty Drinks Machine, Uncomfortable Bed and Fluffed Lines. £25 for the lot or swap for Sense and Coherence. Contact Babs, Box Blue64.
Sun, Sand and S…. No actually it’s just sun and sand. Our four travellers have broken their box again and are taken in by a man on a sponsored expedition. Some people wear their sponsor’s logo on their clothes, some even have it tattooed on themselves, but Marco changed his surname. Unfortunately, since he’s not sucking on a mint or driving a volkswagon or hitting his balls with a hammer while sitting on a horse, no one’s really sure who his sponsor is. All we know is that there’s a traitor in his midst from a rival expedition whose plans of sabotage fail (probably because there’s no guy in charge). With the help of the time travellers and a 90’s indie band that got lost in the desert, he manages to reach his destination of Ceti Alpha VI, only to find that Khan has actually moved to Ceti Alpha V instead, stolen a starship and gone on a murderous revenge spree against Captain Kirk… I’m terribly sorry, I appear to have got sand in my synopsis.
The Keys of Marinus
The TARDIS crew arrive on a planet where a gang of wetsuit-clad burglars are trying to break into an old man’s home and steal his keys – the bastards! But the old man’s been really crafty, see, and he’s hidden his keys all over the planet…but of course, he ‘s old and probably lost his glasses so the Doctor and friends go off to find the keys before the burglars can get them. So they have to nick them off of some comedy knights, a courtroom judge, plants on strings, a hairy rapist and some splatty things in jars. Ooh, the excitement.
There’s nothing like a bit of grave robbing, followed by identity fraud and religious intolerance but sometimes, that just isn’t enough. Try poisoning your best mate or running out on your fiancé before the wedding. And if all else fails, you can always fall back on the old ‘destroying a man’s faith’ routine. That one gets ‘em every time. Obviously, this won’t appeal to everyone, so for those of you who prefer a less hands-on approach you could simply dress like a leopard and wait for the Spaniards. Ahhh, those were the days.
Join us as we try to make ‘sense’ of Doctor Who’s latest adventure. As series one of Doctor Who nears its dimensionally transcendental end, this story is full of possibilities; A spooky spaceship, telepathic aliens, a deranged astronaut, murder, intrigue, suspense, a podgy alien who likes to dress in other peoples clothes… and we find out where a very famous seventies pop trio got their inspiration. Just stock up on coffee before you start.
The Reign of Terror
It’s the Doctor’s turn to dress in someone else’s clothes this week as the final story of series one sees another tale of mistaken identity, this time set during the French Revolution. The Doctor and crew encounter burning buildings, prison cells, the guillotine, rats, riots, spying, assassination and a dirty shovel. One of them screams, one of them has a holiday, one has a feathered hat and one nearly cops off with a Frenchman. It’s a violent, historical, jaw dropping romp. Almost like TimeVault itself. Except for the screaming and the violence…and the history, rats, riots, prison cells, guillotine, burning buildings, holidays, spies, assassins, dirty shovels, frenchmen and feathered hats.
Planet of Giants
The second season hits the big time as the Doctor discovers that size IS important and stupidity and plot holes abound as the TARDIS crew are shrunk to the size of a baby’s fingernail. MARVEL at the giant earthworm. SHUDDER at the large wasp. Feel your SKIN CRAWL at the enormous fly. CRINGE at the ‘how to act in a matchbox’ scene and… STARE DUMBFOUNDED at ‘that’ telephone call.
RUN AWAY at the prospect of watching it again.
The Dalek Invasion of Earth
In the rather annoying event of an alien invasion, it wouldn’t hurt to follow these instructions:
- Twist your ankle.
- Get captured.
- Run through London with a sour-faced woman pushing a cripple.
- Squelch through the sewers taking great care to squash the terrifyingly tiny alligator.
- Defuse a polystyrene bomb.
- Tear your jacket.
- Hide in a hanging-basket while a man in a bag falls off a cliff.
- Stop the bomb by balancing it on a stick.
Congratulations, you’ve just stopped an alien invasion. Wasn’t that difficult, was it?
Having abandoned his grand-daughter barefoot in the rubble-strewn wreckage of an alien world, the Doctor and friends go to another planet in search of someone they like more. Once they find someone (called Vicki) they shoot all the animals, force her only friend off a cliff and leave. Bastards.
The time travellers take Vicki to ancient Rome and squat in someone’s villa for a month where Ian and Babs shag like rabbits before she acts like a slut around a married man and he goes off to sink ships and attack people with swords. If that wasn’t bad enough, Vicki wanders round the emperor’s palace trying to poison everyone and the Doctor impersonates an assassin while encouraging someone to commit arson… and laughs about it! Come back Susan – Please! Clearly you were the moral centre of the group because they’ve all turned into complete shits without you.
The Web Planet
When the Tardis is forced to land on a planet, the crew discover that a giant, telepathic jellyfish with a gold fetish and the voice of a pervert has taken over, enslaved all the ants, evicted the butterflies and started to collect moons. The butterflies want the planet back and get the Tardis crew to help them deflate the jellyfish. They don’t do this straight away of course, oh no. First Vicki practices tightrope walking in the TARDIS, then Ian loses his pen, destroys his school tie and threatens to drop his trousers. Ignoring him, Barbara wanders around doing a half-Karloff while the Doctor stares into the jaws of danger and asks it for a haircut.
The time travellers arrive in ‘history’ again. Barbara gets kidnapped during a swordfight between some men in tabards and some other men in other tabards. The Doctor and Vicki go shoplifting while Ian shouts at King Richard until he gets knighted (I bet no one’s ever tried that with the Queen!). Barbara meets a shoe-shine man and impersonates a member of the royal family. Ian goes to the beach for some fetish fun with ropes, honey and an Arabic horse thief (Where was Mary Whitehouse when THIS was being broadcast?) before arriving just in time to watch someone else save Barbara from a life of endless sex. Then all four of them sod off back to the TARDIS.
The Space Museum
Okay, the TARDIS crew arrive in a space museum (hence the title) where they see themselves as exhibits in glass cases. In a fascinating science fiction concept, this is explained by their having turned up before they’ve arrived, which is also after they’ve already been there. So when they first arrive for the second time, they’ve already arrived after themselves before they even turn up. So by getting there both before and after the second time they turn up first, they- IT HURTS! IT HURTS! OWWWW… MY BRAIN!
The Daleks interrupt the Doctor while he’s sunbathing so he challenges them to a game of hide and seek and legs it in the TARDIS. The Daleks count to one hundred and the chase is on! They hide behind a miniature Empire State Building with Columbo, on an empty boat, in the cheapest Munsters convention in history and an alien jungle full of killer mushrooms… But Oh No! The Daleks have built a lookee-likee Doctor designed to cheat at the game. The time travellers face a difficult dilemma when they have to choose between the one that looks like the Doctor or the one that… doesn’t. At all. Not even a little bit. I mean, they could have put a short, fat, bald Indian woman wearing a false beard into a badger costume and covered it in custard and it would have been more believable. But the finale takes place in a city populated by giant machines that are shaped like a robot’s knackers and it’s not long before they and the Daleks have a massive game of bumper cars. Our heroes take the opportunity to set fire to the city and jump off the roof.
The Time Meddler
A Spaceman, a Monk, a Panda and a horny bloke called Sven. That’s certainly NOT the DVD I was expecting, I must have gone into the wrong shop.
The Doctor’s finally got fed up of Vicki hanging around doing nothing and has decided to get shot of her as soon as possible. So when he comes across an all-girl pop group called ‘Maggie & The Drive-In’s’, who’ve broken down on their way back from a gig at the G5 arena, he spots his chance and leaves her with them. After five minutes they force him to take her back. So he walks all the way to Wales and dumps her on an ugly garage mechanic with bad breath, but he gets fed up of her after only two minutes and gives her straight back. Reluctantly, the Doctor leaves with Vicki, he’s got a more pressing problem. The prospect of a fivesome with a girl band has made Steven forget everything he’s ever learned about being an astronaut. Actually, I think that’s perfectly understandable.
Mission to the Unknown | The Myth Makers
Mission To The Unknown has nothing to do with our intrepid heroes, they’re not even in it! Instead 3 men and a spiky killer cactus of doom kill each other so that they don’t have to listen to the disturbing, hideous SCREAMING coming from the jungle. I bet they’re longing for the peace and quiet of the beach. Which is precisely where the Doctor is. He’s in the deserts of ancient Troy, pretending to be a cat who makes aeroplanes; Steven’s stripped a dead man and dressed in his clothes so that he can suck up to a posh boy whose idea of a good punch-up involves alcohol and tropical fruit. And Vicki’s busy wining and dining all the men in a royal family until she decides which one she wants to shack up with. The shameless gold-digger.
Following the tragic, harrowing events of the Daleks Masterplan, the time travelling duo need a holiday. A nice, relaxing break in an idyllic locale maybe? Perhaps mixing with friendly locals, and even taking part in the charming traditions of the local festival wouldn’t be a bad idea. So a 16thCentury French BLOODBATH would be just the ticket.
Let’s see, paranoid, suspicious locals? Check.
Filthy streets drowning in disease and vermin? Check.
The threat of death hanging on your every word or action? Check.
TARDIS Tours, we know exactly where you want to go. We just won’t get you there.
or “Doctor Who and the Table Tennis Champions of Doom”.
The Doctor, Steven and Dodo (unfortunately, this one’s not extinct) land in a jungle on a spaceship. The Human race lives in a draw and some mute, one-eyed ping pong ball swallowers with beatles hair cuts suffer death by sneezing. The time travellers administer some Lemsip and leave. Only to return immediately – hundreds of years later – to find the Human race are now slaves and the balls-in-mouth aliens have invented talking jewellery and picked a fight with a planet full of invisible giants while Steven searches for an exploding head. The time travellers free the Human slaves and leave. Only to return immediately – hundreds of NOOOooooooooooooooooooooo!
The Celestial Toymaker
The Doctor and his companions become trapped in the house of a man wearing a kimono who forces them to play games against a honker, a queen and a fat man in shorts. Whilst Fu Man Chu’s English cousin challenges the Doctor’s hand to a four-week long game of Space Jenga, Steven and Dodo must keep playing lots of games until Dodo learns to listen to the rules. There’s Total Blind Dead Wipeout’, Musical Chairs (without any music) the Pointless Kitchen Shouting Challenge, Strictly Come Dancing Eternity and a bizarre version of hopscotch against the fat man/boy who now appears to be doing an evil Christopher Biggins impression… To make things more interesting, Steven’s impatient, Dodo’s suicidal and the Doctor’s invisible. Just like the first three episodes.
A Fistful of Time Travellers – Doctor Who meets Carry On Cowboy as the time travellers look for a dentist in Westworld. After materialising in the stables, the Doctor tries to deal with rough, tough gunslingers at the O.K. Corral by calling them ‘my good man’ and ‘young fellow’, Steven demonstrates animal cruelty by strangling a cat in the saloon and Dodo reveals herself to be a concert pianist of Chas ‘n Dave proportions before going on the run with a murderous surgeon and a singing prostitute. Steven tries to get her back (God knows why?) but ends up bound and gagged on the floor of a house in the middle of the desert surrounded by five lonely, dirty cowboys and a trainspotter with a drum kit – only Steven really knows what happened and he’s not saying (what happens in the Wild West, STAYS in the Wild West). Dodo rides back into town (shame), the Doctor gets his tooth sorted out (ahhh or perhaps Arrggghh!), lots of cowboys end up dead in the street (yee haw!) and they depart, not realising that the TARDIS is now trailing a steaming load of horse shit through the universe.
Apparently, TARDIS arrives somewhere nice for a change but as Dodo’s taking a lot of pent up tension and frustration out on Steven, the Doctor goes for a walk in the wilderness with nothing but a bottle of suspicious pills and something that, quite frankly, would be put to better use cheering up Dodo. Quite what he plans to do with them behind a bush, I don’t want to know. It turns out they’ve arrived on a planet with two lots of people on it. One lot of people are the worst kind of nosey neighbours you could imagine who send Steven and Dodo off to follow a red herring from another show whilst they fail to explain to the Doctor how and why they’ve been spying on him for several years. This lot of people think they’re the best so they shine torches at the other lot of people until they forget how to paint pictures and shave. Fortunately for the other lot of people a space pilot turns up with a mirror. So everything’s fine. Once both lots of people have smashed up a nasty bit of kit that makes you do impressions, they want one of the visitors to stay and sort their lives out for them. So, will it be Steven or will it be Dodo? Which one would you rather see leave?
Don’t get your hopes up.
The War Machines
The Doctor hatches a plan to finally rid himself of his most useless companion ever. He arrives in the swinging sixties and goes to a nightclub where he chats up a tramp, throws some shapes, picks up a dolly bird and a sailor and leaves with them in a taxi (the dirty old goat!). Then he hypnotises her into unconsciousness and has someone else dump her in a field somewhere in the countryside before he challenges a fruit and veg hating remote control tank to an outdoor wrestling match (He’s got the cape but thank god he doesn’t have a pair of glittery underpants). When a giant envelope-sorting machine persuades people to build another one in the middle of a fireworks factory while they’re half asleep, the Doctor (un)screws with the second ones mind and convinces it to go and kill it’s daddy. None of the other machines get finished because a vital elastic band shipment never arrives. What do you expect when you set your evil empire in the Post Office? The Doctor leaves and everyone forgets… oh, you know…. whatshername…. well they forget her anyway. Good.
Arrr! Avast, ye scurvy landlubbers, we be the fearsome Podcasters of Penzance! The Doctor and his land-lubbing stowaways arrive in **th century Cornwall where a dodgy bloke tells the Doctor a secret. They go to the pub where the Doctor gets kidnapped by Cap’n Hook’s evil brother. Polly feels confused as to her gender preference when she and Ben get thrown in jail from where they promptly escape (because of witches), hide in a crypt and beat up a policeman. The Doctor escapes from Cap’n Jack Sparrow’s mad ancestor, finds his gender confused companions and tells the policeman to sod off. He then walks straight to where the treasure’s hidden and waits for Cap’n Pugwash’s slimmer twin to double-cross some corrupt Cornish smugglers. Then he waits some more while all the pirates, barkeeps and assorted salty sea dogs kill each other over it. With their swash’s firmly buckled, the Doctor, Ben and Polly, who is now firmly resolute as to her femininity, go for a walk along the beach, probably stuffing their faces with Cornwall’s most famous export… Yo Ho Ho and a Pastie
The Tenth Planet
The PATRICK TROUGHTON Years (1966-1969)
The Power of the Daleks
The Underwater Menace
The Macra Terror
The Faceless Ones
The Evil of the Daleks
The Tomb of the Cybermen
The Abominable Snowmen
The Ice Warriors
The Enemy of the World
The Web of Fear (audio only review)
The TARDIS crew display their ball skills in this short-awaited sequel. The Doctor and friends arrive in the London Underground to do a spot of spring cleaning and what do they find hiding amongst the dust and cobwebs? Why, it’s our old friend, the invisible pervert surrounded by his hairy minions. Realising he’s been rumbled, perv sends his hairy beasties to attack people with a shameless use of their balls. Needless to say, the British public won’t put up with such nonsense and they all go on a caravanning holiday. The Doctor can’t stop the perv on his own, he needs a hairy beastie to fight hairy beasties… Say hello to the man with the ‘tache.
The Web of Fear (re-discovered episodes)
Fury from the Deep
Seaweed; noun; (‘si; wi:d)
Any of numerous multi-cellular marine algae that grow on the seashore, in salt marshes, in brackish water or submerged in the ocean. Reacts badly to Victorian teenagers, is easily offended by the Dutch and can cause emission of gas in Human males. Can fly helicopters.
The Wheel In Space
The Wheel in Space goes round and round/Round and round/Round and round/The Wheel in Space goes round and round… All. Day. Long.
[repeat continuously for six whole episodes]
Two overly butch aliens called ‘Dominators’ hunt submissive men in skirts because they want some slaves that they can force to take part in something called a Dull Kiss (I’m quite relieved they never explain that bit). What subtext?
The Mind Robber
A Doctor, a faceless boy and an improbable martial artist do battle with a hairy woman, a blow-up corpse, robots from another show and the worst fake nose in history. All because some old guy can’t work his computer.
Cyberman, Cyberman/Does whatever an emotionless, semi-organic, flesh-filled metal exoskeleton can/Hard to miss, rather large/Wouldn’t fit in a barge/Look Out!/Here comes a Cyberman.
Is he strong?/Don’t make me laugh/He could break anyone in half/To fight this thing, you’ll need balls/Just don’t do it outside St Paul’s/No, no/Don’t tease the Cyberman.
Cyberman, Cyberman/Nasty twin planet Cyberman/doesn’t like/to smile or hug/His head would look good as a jug/To him, it’s good to shine and menace/Won’t catch him playing tennis/He is a Cybermaaaaaaaaaaaaan.
I tried to come up with something for this one that didn’t resort to using a joke about soup…I failed.
“Doctor, Doctor, there’s a giant crystalline monster with a funny voice in my soup!”
“Don’t you mean waiter?”
“No, no, it’s definitely a giant crystalline monster with a funny voice.”
Bu-dum! Tsh! Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your Kroton.
The Seeds of Death
Lisssping lizardssss plan to spread their seed across the planet (eurgh!) and invade, but the Doctor gets them to agree to a dancing competition; the winner gets the Earth. His largely improvised routine is lots of running and arm waving, which can’t compete when the Martians get their best warrior to do ‘the robot’. The judges (a posh bird and two old blokes with saggy trousers who work for a flying carpet manufacturer) reluctantly give that round to the Ice Warriors. While Earth’s security forces all go for a bubble bath, it looks like mankind is finished as the Glam Rock Marshall and his Disco Lizards plan a show stopping number in the final round.
Can the Doctor, Jamie and Zoe’s last minute rain dance win them the trophy?
The Space Pirates
How come metal wigs never took off as a fashion accessory? They’re shiny, valuable, long lasting (barring rust), work brilliantly as a hard hat, available in different styles (the one being modelled here is in a rather attractive beehive with parting) and you can decorate them yourself. Okay, you’ll never be able to look down without falling over and fridge magnets will suddenly become a nuisance but that’s not many downsides.
The War Games
So you’re planning to conquer the galaxy? Do you have a big villainous beard, treacherous subordinates with slightly smaller villainous beards, nameless minions with pvc uniforms and weird guns? Do you have an air of menacing authority; a bold, inventive, never been done before plan involving fog, mud, designer glasses and pop art wallpaper? If the answer to all these is a big YES! Then you’re ready to begin. Just make sure that you stop off on the way and get yourself an arch nemesis and your own personal fanfare.
The JON PERTWEE Years (1970-1974)
Spearhead from Space
[to the tune of The Pink Panther cartoon]
Think of all the monsters that you’ve ever heard about/like sea devil, krynoid, rutan and slitheen/There are lots of weird monsters in the universe/But have you ever seen an auton that is green?/Seen!/An auton that is positively green,
Well that’s because there aren’t any/there really aren’t any/An auton isn’t ecologically sound/They’re not bio-degradable/They’re made of plastic/with no voice/they’re just a massive tool!
They’ll kill us all – ‘cos they’re autons/They’re bloodthirsty autons/They want to wipe out our race/Because they’re silent, violent, take a long time to melt/Plastic (and drastic) from feet to faaaaaaaaaaaace.
Doctor Who and the Silurians
Domestic disputes are so inconvenient aren’t they? One minute your bicycle-powered nuclear reactor is causing a power cut and keeping your next-door neighbours awake (well, the ones you haven’t got tied up in the kitchen) and the next thing you know you’re being investigated by the government, soldiers have cordoned off your street and your neighbours have released a virulent, communicable monkey plague into your living room. Hasn’t anyone heard of community spirit?
The Ambassadors of Death
A gunfight… of DEATH! A fist fight… of DEATH! A car chase… of DEATH! Underground bunkers, astronauts, aliens, radiation… of DEATH, helicopters, more underground bunkers, explosions, a baker’s van… of DEATH, false beards and some crap magic. So, as Benton hands round the Ferrero Rocher… of DEATH!, it can only mean one thing… It’s The Ambassadors…..of DEATH!
The Centre of the Earth. A fascinating subject tackled by many different writers and storytellers over the ages; what wonders are to be found at the Earth’s core? What dangers, treasures and enchantments are waiting to be discovered? But as good as these stories may be, that is all they are – stories, flights of fancy. The truth is like nothing you could imagine and now, finally, Doctor Who has revealed to us that most incredible truth. The Earth’s core (drum roll please) is full… of… Snot. Boiling, bubbling snot. And hair. Lots of it, all over the body. There’s also a lot of burning hot magma, spewing forth like the after effects of a really hot curry. Strangely enough, no women get affected by these things, only men. So join us as we discuss Doctor Who and the Hot ‘n Hairy Snot Monsters from the Earth’s Core
Terror of the Autons
A stage hypnotist and a factory worker employ a team of mime artists to run their own radio station whilst taking part in a bus tour for a group of artificial florists with abnormally large heads. Clearly this contravenes all the laws of, erm… sense, so U.N.I.T. is called in to put a stop to it. The Doctor can’t take part though because he’s confused by a window and challenged some clowns to a fist fight. Not to worry, the clumsy work experience girl has just brought the Brigadier a damp plank of wood, just what he needs to defeat the Sparkly Fingers of Death…
The Mind of Evil
The Master makes Jo eat some porridge while a brain in a box goes for a walk. Yates discovers that his equipment is well and truly bent and forgets how to ride a bike. Benton goes on a power trip while the Brigadier sells potatoes and an imaginary dragon argues with an American tourist over a hotel room. The Doctor has an unnecessary cup of tea. Mind of Evil? Mind of a Freaking Loony Writer if you ask me
The Claws of Axos
It’s a U.N.I.T. night out and they’ve chosen to go to the new Italian restaurant down the road, Axonite’s. The Brig argues with the regular military over who’s going to pay, the Master turns up even though he wasn’t invited and one of their guests insults the Doctor’s equipment so they spend the rest of the night arguing about who’s is biggest. Jo loses her appetite after she gets lost in the kitchens and sees the chef doing something with a giant frog – and the American liaison has waaay too much to drink, starts seeing double and punches himself in the face. All in all, a typical night out. Until someone orders the spaghetti bolognese. Nobody was expecting it to be THAT spicy!
Colony in Space
The Master steals a small red model aeroplane from the High Council of the Time Lords so they send the Doctor and Jo to the Planet of the Blind Mime Artists to get it back. They meet some Human colonists who find life on the planet so dull they’ve perfected the art of open-air mud wrestling, a bunch of intergalactic miners who can’t understand how they came last in a Build-Your-Own Godzilla competition, and a squeaky midget who lives in a wall safe. When the quiet blinky ones take Jo hostage, the Doctor must negotiate for her freedom. Anyone for Charades?
Or… Confessions of a Scientific Advisor. Doctor Who’s sexual tension gets a right seeing-to in the horniest story of them all. Sergeant Benton pulls the local busybody, the Brigadier gets a bed scene, Mike’s Chopper explodes all over a strange man, the Doctor draws a giant breast, everyone does a fertility dance and the Master keeps hiding in the crypt to secretly summon the horny beast. With a chicken. Finally, after the Doctor and Jo share a bed, Mike misjudges the moment and asks his boss to dance. There must be something in the water.
Day of the Daleks
The Long Version: A shiny quisling and a man with a whip find some dirty tins in a cupboard which are five years out of date and have gone bad. They are so hazardous to health that the Human race is brought to it’s knees and the only things they can manufacture are skips and veeeeeery slow quad bikes with a wheel missing. A street gang full of people who are all too old to be in a street gang pass the time by killing historical figures and pretending to be ghosts. They get in the way of some space gorillas who’ve stolen the tins and gone to a boring party in the English countryside. Only they’ve got the day wrong and find the Doctor and Jo indulging in a bit of bondage in the cellar. I think that’s going to cause some complications.
The Short Version: Cheese stealer, pasty face, guerillas, gorillas, tunnels and pants.
The Curse of Peladon
Aaaaaaa-geeeeee-ddor-dor-dor/Push a statue, shake a spear/Ageddor-dor-dor/Make your people quake with fear/Kill a friend, rig a fight/All of your guests will hiss and squeak/That’s enough for tonight/Do it again same time next week
The Sea Devils
When you live in a castle on an island with a lot of ex-seventies male pornstars who can’t afford car doors for company, a sudden desire to alleviate the boredom by getting a pet turtle doesn’t seem that odd. The fact that all the staff at the local turtle farm wear fishnets and NOTHING else is quite odd (and a bit kinky) and when the mean posh boy from your school days turns up to take all the turtles so that you can’t have any, that’s very odd. Still there’s only one thing you can do in this situation…challenge him to a swordfight, beat him in a speedboat race, handcuff him to a chair, make a machine that goes BLEEP, impersonate a naval officer, steal a hovercraft and watch the Clangers. So you didn’t get a turtle because some faulty wiring burned down the farm, but at least you got out of the house for a change.
A bald man in a metal box living next door to an underground disco turns a hippy protester into a girly angel with anger management issues while a token ethnic workforce develops a crippling speech impediment, causing a fat man to shout at some insects. The Doctor and Jo deliver a giant Kinder Surprise.
The Time Monster
Everyone’s feeling a little out of sorts this time; Jo fondles the Doctor’s equipment then makes several attempts to kill herself, Yates sits in a ditch, Benton’s being really childish and the Doctor wants to jack it all in and start an intergalactic zoo. It’s not going too well though, he’s already killed the Immortal Bull and his Time Rams just don’t do anything, but if he could find the legendary Giant White Time-Eating Chicken-Beast from Outer Space… Unfortunately for him, the Master has already found it and is using it to have sex with the Queen of Atlantis!? The Brigadier could help but he’s finally been pushed over the edge. If he could stand perfectly still for just a bit longer, maybe they’ll all just go away.
The Three Doctors
A greek tragedy unfolds when an invisible man falls into a hole and learns how to turn other peoples lights off by remote. He sends Mr Blobby’s less evolved cousin to apologise but that’s not enough to stop a delegation of medical professionals from jumping in the hole and throwing musical instruments at him. No-one helps him though, because the Brigadier’s brain has gone to the seaside and Jo is wandering in the desert having killed a muppet and is now wearing it like a second skin. Happy Anniversary.
Carnival of Monsters
Carnivaaaaal! Music! Dancing! Vibrant Colours! Cultural Diversity! Excitement! Sexy Costumes! Atmosphere! Wrong Carnival!
Okay, I know it says Carnival of Monsters, but a blurry Cyberman, wet glove puppets, hastily applied bald caps and a crate of chickens isn’t exactly Rio is it? But I suppose if you add the worst fairground attendants in the galaxy covering themselves in balls while the Doctor punches a man in the face, Jo is chased by a giant fork and Harry Sullivan has an argument with Mosschops, then maybe…
No. It still isn’t Rio.
Frontier in Space
Nothing out of the ordinary happens in this one… Josephine Grant, this year’s winner of Earth’s Got Talent goes on a galactic tour, demonstrating her ability to perform kung-fu escapology while reciting nursery rhymes. The Doctor inspects a lot of empty rooms, falls off a few spaceships and wears pyjamas to the moon. The Master reads a book, has a nap and vanishes in a puff of hasty editing. And a giant orange testicle terrorises the Planet of the Apes. You know, same old same old.
Planet of the Daleks
The Doctor and Jo are redecorating the TARDIS (again!) and pay a visit to the Carpet Warehouse. Unfortunately for them the purple shag piles have taken over and invited the Daleks to appear on a number of reality TV shows. While the Daleks are busy taking part in Dancing on Ice, I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here and Pimp My Ride, the Doctor and Jo, for one night only, are helping the Thal Historical Re-enactment Society perform their greatest moment in history as part of their Worlds Tour. With urinating plants, a reverse parachute, a flat-pack TARDIS, a talking bowl of chocolate and an ‘everything must go’ day at the Rolykins factory thrown in.
The Green Death
(stereotypical welsh accent)
Dear British Boyo Corporation,
Wales here. We would like to put ourselves forward as the new home of Doctor Who at some point in the 21st Century. We feel we have all the right qualifications to be responsible for such a popular, important show… just look at all the evidence. We’ve got class discrimination, see. We’ve got racial stereotypes, unnecessary cross-dressing, rivers of toxic sludge, maggot infestations, indecipherable local dialects, hippies with girly hair, underground death traps and a huge pile of dirt that’s covered in rubber johnnies. What more could you want? Oh, and apparently the town of Newport even has some cutting tools (although that could just be a rumour).
Funny Little Welshman
Soon To Die Horribly Covered In Something Green
The Time Warrior
When the love child of E.T. and Mr Potato Head falls from the sky in a giant zorb, he’s befriended by an ironmonger with a syllable deficiency who hides him in a barn and demands payment in the form of old men’s used pajamas. When the hairy poo steals them from the future, the Doctor follows him back to merrye olde englande but gets sidetracked when he’s invited to a party by Robin Hood’s gay cousin. He tries to cheer up a confused suffragette by dressing as a priest and making stink bombs while a dotty old woman does soap opera impressions at them. Unnoticed by anyone, the alien visitor suffocates inside his own zorb before he can try out the new spray-on deodorant he’s just invented…
Invasion of the Dinosaurs
London: The Golden Age Retirement Home has lost some of it’s residents during a day trip to the nation’s capital. Normally that wouldn’t be anything to worry about but when it’s the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ Great Grand Daddies, and they haven’t taken their pills, you’d better call U.N.I.T. The Brigadier’s got his work cut out for him though; Sarah’s getting spaced out watching the Discovery Channel with a French resistance fighter who can’t sing while the Doctor is busy boosting cars, stealing frilly shirts from high street shops and having a quick fumble with some old bird in a broom cupboard. Looks like Captain Yates is his only hope.
Death to the Daleks
The Doctor forgets to charge his iTardis and finds himself stranded in a desert with some office workers whose team building weekend has gone all Lord of the Flies. When the Daleks arrive suffering from an epidemic of exterminatile dysfunction (HON-EST-LY, THIS HAS NE-VER HAPP-ENED BE-FOORRE), he decides to look elsewhere for a compatible charger. While Sarah is busy roaming the desert, beating the natives to death in an attempt to find her first outfit that isn’t brown, the Doctor arrives at a nearby village. Introducing himself to the locals, he joins them round a camp fire and samples their home made marijuana. The rest, as they say, is hallucinatory… He’s chased by a bit of pipe, makes friends with a rock that has glow-in-the-dark nipples who asks him to play the Crystal Maze for Dummies inside a giant lighthouse with crazy paving, it’s own disco and some zombies and together they beat the Daleks, winning a meringue that screams. While the Doctor’s busy coming down from his little trip, Sarah goes to the gift shop for a souvenir and comes back with a corpse on a stick. She’s always wanted one.
The Monster of Peladon
People think this story is about the miners strike or the class divide. It isn’t you know, it’s about the power of the mind. Queen Thalira’s willpower is astonishing. Surrounded by dirty, greasy labourers who keep bursting in on her trying to assert themselves… nothing. A big muscle man, responsible for her body who grunts at her all day… not a flicker. A god shaped like a wild, hairy beast with a big horn… means nothing to her. Even the aliens are at it, an angry snake with a suggestive hat wants to show her how it’s done, and a human wants to drag her off into the caves and take her home – she barely notices. She doesn’t even react at the sight of Alpha Centauri, now THAT’s willpower. Either that or she’s incredibly nieve and the Doctor needs to sit her down and explain about the badgers and the bees.
Planet of the Spiders
Donna has something on her back Sarah has something on her back, Mike finds religion and the Doctor has the longest chase in history, using (deep breath) cars, boats, bicycles, hovercrafts, Whomobiles, milk floats, mobility scooters, stairs, elevators, stilts, pogo sticks, roller-skates, hang-gliders, canoes, trains, tanks, swimming, shopping trolleys, rickshaws, hot air balloons, parachutes, zip wires, helicopters, elephants, those things window cleaners use to go up and down, skiing, free-running, skateboards, hoverboards, DeLoreans, a hospital trolley on a stairwell, ejector seats, an empty cello case, a bus that can’t go below 50, carnival floats, jet packs, surfboards, pushchairs, horses, slides, submarines, a pony & trap, motorbikes, rockets, fighter jets, bungee jumping, segways, space hoppers, lolo balls, magic carpets, an egg and spoon race, escalators, the tube, cable cars, circus cannons, an Angry Birds catapult – and a tramp. But before he can get his breath back, he dies of embarrassment when Incey Wincey Spider asks him to tap dance. It’s one of those days. Ommmm.
The TOM BAKER Years (1974-1981)
It’s par 4 on the 12th and there’s a spot of bother in one of the bunkers. You’ve heard of Extreme Golf? Well Hitler Winters (sorry, Hilda Winters) and the Fascist Scientists have too. It’s not extreme enough for them though so they’ve decided to weaponise their favourite golf course and are prepared to eradicate any and all opposition with nuclear force just so that they can finally win the Masters. The Brigadier and Benton are prepared to add an extra hole to the course if it’ll stop Hitler winning that trophy, but when the robot caddy goes a bit wrong and shoots an elderly electrician, the situation rapidly disintegrates. What they really need is a Doctor. But two Doctors are fighting over which one gets to drive Bessie and which one gets to throw a bucket of goo onto MechaKongZilla, who’s just turned up and shoved a dwarf in a wig down a chimney. I think Sarah’s gone home at this point, and who could blame her?
The Ark in Space
The Doctor examines ooze and Vira has to choose, so Sarah has a snooze while Harry loses shoes. Oh dear, wirrn trouble now
The Sontaran Experiment
You say Sontaran, I say Sontaran…
Harry sets a bad example to youngsters everywhere by going spelunking and rock climbing without any safety equipment whatsoever; that’s no way for a medical professional to behave! Sarah sets a good example to youngsters everywhere by proving that you can be a successful, strong, independent, modern woman capable of writing wrongs and fighting evil monsters as long as you face your fears, which now include snakes, heights, mud, golf balls and potatoes. Honestly, when you add those to the already unusual list of badgers, spiders, nazi’s, plumbing equipment and giant cocks, she’ll soon have the single biggest collection of extreme phobias the world has ever known. The Doctor, meanwhile, isn’t afraid of anything. He’s quite happy just to crouch down in a field and fiddle with someone else’s balls….
Genesis of the Daleks
Spring-time for Davros! A disabled electrician with a massive ego invents a wheelchair with a bad attitude and a passion for unblocking toilets. Unable to leave the house, he orders his weekly shop online but the Thal supermarket delivers some bad clams so he blows them all to shit. Two doctors fight over the dullest piece of jewelery ever seen, whilst Sarah climbs to the top of a giant phallic structure and throws herself off it. That’s women’s lib for you.
Terror of the Zygons
When I was a kid, there was a toy I used to have. It was a small plasticy, rubbery octopus thing that was all sticky and slimy. You’d throw it at a window and it would stick to it and slowly squelch it’s way down… minutes of fun. With all those suckers, I wonder if you could do the same with a Zygon?
Planet of Evil
Once Upon A Time…
There was a giant, invisible jellyfish that lived in a hole eating coconuts. The jellyfish was terribly lonely and bored and liked to play pranks on people. One day, he hid all the fizzy pop from a bunch of visiting prospectors so they were dying for a drink. They couldn’t understand what was happening and that amused the Jellyfish greatly. The next day, he tied a giant piece of elastic to a passing spaceship, and they were forced to do the first ever space bungee jump. Oh, how the Jellyfish laughed. Never short of ideas, he then hypnotised a clever scientist into thinking he was the Tazmanian Devil. The jellyfish had never had so much fun. Until one day, a stranger appeared, offered the jellyfish a tin of sweets and he was never seen again.
Pyramids of Mars
Honestly, Sutekh, what are we going to do with you? You sit in-front of a tv screen all day, you only wear black, you’re always crushing insects… I know you like to leave dust and darkness everywhere but you could at least tidy your room. And open your curtains occasionally, they’ve got green mold all over them. You’re at that difficult age, I know, but why can’t you be more like your brother, Horus? We’re not going to get you any more playthings until you start to act your age….I said no more playthings and I meant it, so stop throwing one of your tantrums and don’t give me that look. You’ve got to take some responsibility – your mummy won’t run around after you forever, you know. Now come down to dinner; I know you think all fish and animals are your enemy so we’re having vegetarian lasagne. And for god’s sake, take that silly hat off.
The Android Invasion
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What’s that smell?
The Sarah Jane Smithdroid. Yours for just one eye!
The Brain of Morbius
Extract from The 100 Most Famous Brains Of All Time: Far Future Edition
…and climbing several places to number 4 we have Morbius. Known to his friends as Chop-Suey the Galactic Emperor, this nearly dead Time Lord maniac likes oppression, paranoid ranting, swimming in green goo and killing starey orange witches of death. His pet hates are people with curly hair, sponges, mind bending contests, cliffs, fire, goldfish bowls, falling, everybody else in the universe and not being able to read a book. Now that he’s finally overtaken Morpho from the planet Marinus, only three other brains are preventing him from reaching the top spot; The anonymous Thunderbirds scientist, Anne Uumellmahaye and Inspector Gadget’s dog. All three are being moved to safe locations following Morbius’s threats to… *Extract ends*
The Seeds of Doom
Jeepers, Creepers! The Brussels are sprouting! The Doctor finds himself in another vine mess and doesn’t have mulch time to sort it out. U.N.I.T. are late with the barbecue and Sarah’s had her chlorophyll of gardening (and she’s still getting over her fear of frozen veg). It’s no good asking Scorby for help either, he just longs for the green green grass of home. There are other guests at the Krynoid Garden Party, but something’s the vegetable matter with Keeler and Chase won’t leaf him alone. The haughty, cultured maniac is shoot-ing for the stars and won’t stop until all mankind is pushing up the daisies. I don’t think this is what the hippies meant by flower power. Still, you know what they say, the other man’s grass is always more homicidal. It’s not easy being greenery.
The Masque of Mandragora
Sagittarius (22 Nov-21-Dec): A sense of direction (and a torch) will be of great benefit to you over the next few days as you go to the aid of your best friend’s hair stylist in a foreign sewer system. Arguments over an inheritance may cause you trouble while an untimely death will remind you of blue cheese. A bearded man will come between you and someone you trust during a fancy dress party. Eat sausages, close all doors behind you, stay away from men who can’t count. Oh yes, and watch out for bat shit.
The Hand of Fear
Sarah meets a strangely charismatic woman called Ellie D. Radd. Unfortunately, after three years of extreme living, Ellie’s cold handshake pushes Sarah over the edge and she no longer knows if she’s coming or going… or been. She starts to think she’s the popular children’s character Andy Pandy, gets a bit violent and puts a severed hand in her lunch box. The Doctor and Ellie get to her before she can gnaw off more than one finger. She snaps out of it when Ellie explains that after 150 million years on an NHS waiting list, she’s finally got an appointment for the sex change she’s always wanted. Sarah and the Doctor give Ellie a lift to the surgery but afterwards, Ellie is crushed to discover that ‘she’ is now a Spanish man with a bad attitude and no neck. So he decides to spend the rest of her life living in a hole and calling himself El Drad. Sarah sticks her tongue out and goes home. That was Sarah Jane Smith everybody, put your hand together and give her a difficult round of applause
The Deadly Assassin
Everyone has at least one skeleton in the cupboard and the Time Lords are no exception (although, since they don’t seem to have cupboards, he lives under the stairs). Gallifrey is about to fall under the dark influence of Chancellor Goth. Fortunately, Cardinal Punk, Castellan Hippy, Chief Co-ordinator Emo and Commander New Romantic are on hand to help and the Doctor soon realises that the only way to save everything is to journey deep into the Matrix. Unfortunately no one can tell him what the Matrix is, he has to see it for himself. And if that wasn’t bad enough, the Master has just returned home with some funny ideas he picked up on his travels. Obsessed with rods, columns, shafts and cracks, excited about goats and making gooey (literally) eyes at the Doctor, things just got a teensy bit more complicated….
The Face of Evil
Dear 500 Year Old Diary,
It’s been an odd sort of day. For no apparent reason, I suddenly sprouted lots of extra invisible heads. I took them to the nearest jungle planet where they could roam free in the wild, unfortunately they started to eat everyone in a team-building survival course. The only woman in the group – who got lost on her way to a Xena: Warrior Princess lookee-likee competition – got all up in my face, calling me evil. The cheek of it! I tried to get on their good side with some jelly babies but it turned out that a man with a glove on his head had no sense of fun and convinced the others that they must attack God (who looks like me and lives in my throat) and The Evil One (who also looks like me and lives in my throat). I had to follow them of course and, would you believe it, I found three weirdo’s in a lift down there. I managed to cough them all up eventually and left the planet as soon as possible. I’m all out of lozenges as well. I’ll look for some on that planet with all the robots. Robots are never any trouble.
The Robots of Death
It’s curtains for Kass, peril for Kerril and Chubb…. no, I’ve got nothing. They’re dead, anyway. Because deep in the deserts of mumblemumblemumble, the crewmembers of a giant travelling bucket and spade are being killed off one by one. But, since none of them actually like each other, nobody seems too bothered. They’re all too pre-occupied with themselves. Commander Uvanov plans to use the money he makes on this trip to finance a computer game he’s invented called The Legend of Zilda, named after the (frankly, inexplicable) woman of his dreams. Who has actually just drowned herself in her own tears after being beaten by Toos in the Ship’s Silliest Hat competition. Borg has found that resistance really IS futile while Dask has discovered cosplay and is taking it a tad too far. Poul has gone off the deep end (Ho Ho). So it’s up to D-3PO, A-I Private Eye, to save the day. Because Leela’s too busy playing with a magic yo-yo and the Doctor has gone peanut snorkling.
The Talons of Weng-Chiang
A slavering, gangrenous vampire with a penchant for women’s dresses, fancy hats and dead leprechauns, lives in the sewers of Victoria London with his best friend, a chinese midget who likes to hide inside people’s pants. Now, if that’s not enough to get you contemptible slatterns interested, we’ll ask you this: What makes horses sick, has the brain of a pig, the eyes of a dragon, the teeth of a rat, the hair of a ram, muscles like a horse, the dull wit of oxen and the tongue of a black scorpion? We don’t know either but you wouldn’t want it served with onions.
Horror of Fang Rock
Scream your life away (clap clap)/Worry ‘cause you’ll die today/Let the monster play (clap clap)/Down at Fang Rock
Rutan’s here to stay (clap clap)/But they’ve got something to say/Make it go away (clap clap)/They’re Leela Doctor Rueben Ben and Vince
Scream your life away (clap clap)/Worry ‘cause you’ll die today/Let the Rutan play (clap clap)/Down at Fang Rock/Down at Fang Rock
Down at Fang Rock
The Invisible Enemy
or Doctor Who does Hardcore Prawn. The Doktaw and Loola stop off at an awl-nite petrul stayshun beecoz they hurd there woz a partee. But beefaw they can say ekstraterestreeal pathowlogikal endomorfizumz, thee Doktaw gets hairee hands and needs a ly down wyul loola pootz on a nursiz owtfit and gets fizzikal with a swawm of booshee ibrowd petrul pump atendanz… and a dog. Towld u it woz hardcaw.
Image of the Fendahl
Skullduggery abounds when a scientist gets light-headed and wanda’s around Fetch Priory. She comes across an unrestrained accent, an exaggerated performance and an incontinent dog. She also finds a German fruitcake in the cellar that’s gone bad. But that’s okay because Rose Tyler’s Grandmother has made an English fruitcake (using a LOT of salt). They all hide under a table when a mime artist with a VERY deep tan arrives and threatens to destroy all life on earth with a plague of giant, spaghetti-eating caterpillars. Help is on hand though when the TARDIS arrives in a field of cows. Watch out, mime queen…Here comes Doctor MooooOOOOO
The Sun Makers
Whilst the Doctor commits credit card fraud, criminal damage and identity theft, Leela follows up a brief session of light bondage by having a steamy affair with a squeaky green-tinged midget. Things are soon interrupted though when a gang of protestors organise a sit in at the air conditioning plant, telling the tax collector to stick it where the suns don’t shine. Which just happens to be down two floors, on a shelf in the cupboard between the candles, the whips and the ladies hair removal products.
If there’s one thing guaranteed to raise Underworld’s reputation it’s Kate Beckinsale running around in a skin-tight black leather catsuit. Unfortunately, that’s a different Underworld. This Underworld has no sets, lots of beige, a comedy dog, a long lost sperm bank (sorry, ‘genetic inheritance’) and a bunch of idiots getting lost on a spelunking holiday wearing sausage hats and tin foil. There’s also a lot of hidden references to something about a yellow sheep but I don’t really understand it, it’s all Greek to me.
The Invasion of Time
There’s a good reason why The Time Lords don’t allow outsiders on Gallifrey. As soon as Leela arrives she starts assaulting the presidential security forces and inciting the local farming community to riot. Then she lets her dog off the lead so that he can go round biting people in the balls and widdling on the electrics. The electricians turn up but their extremely high charges come as a shock and the Time Lords turn them away, determined to fix the problem themselves. Unfortunately, a posh traffic warden has left the back door open and a gang of skinheads wanders in, trampling on the plants, trashing the swimming pool… The only one who can sort it out has had a breakdown and is dressing for a victorian christening and talking to rocks. It’s all the Doctor’s fault. I bet he wishes he could just forget it ever happened….
The Ribos Operation
Yes, that’s right we have reached The Keys Of Marinus: Extended Edition. A white haired old man gives the Doctor and his companions no choice but to travel all over the place looking for six lost keys that, when brought together will blah-de-blah-de-blah… But beware! Do not give them to the evil black voord guardian Yartek for he will use them for eeeeeeevill. The first key looks like a giant bogey, it’s in a ramshackle castle full of cossack dancers, Wurzels, floppy dragons and a mad old bat with horns who wails a lot. Good Luck. Oh, and here’s some help for you. A robot version of scrappy doo, and a hoighty-toity posh bird called… erm… hang on a minute… Romantical veranda landing, No… um… Rumblywomblelumper! No, err…rheumatic veracity lunarcycle?Rhomboid!, Ramalamarhomboid…erm…von lunchbox! No, that’s not it. Rimble ramble…ermm… I’ll get it, I’ll get it. Just give me about 26 episodes and I’ll remember it. I hope.
The Pirate Planet
Anyway, erm yes the first key was a bit of green snot and, well done for finding that one by the way, I don’t even want to know what you went through to find it. The second key is guarded by a lot of blokes wearing vomit yellow with a tendency to dial their Counselor Troi impressions up to 11. You’ll have to go to an evil fancy dress party on a mountain with a nurse, a pirate and on old queen, but if you can get through that then you need to look for a pebble on a planet that isn’t there. Good luck. And watch out for bird poo.
The Stones of Blood
Campers are getting their rocks off in the woods, druids are getting stoned in the village hall, companions are enjoying real cliffhangers, old women are hitting monsters with truncheons and upper class over-dressed archaeologists are painting themselves silver and pretending to be a giant crow. But what’s the doctor up to? He’s talking to himself underneath a hairy head AND a hairy hat whilst getting lost in a theoretical absurdity. So nothing unusual there. Warning! This story contains flashing lights. They won’t harm you, they’re just… shit.
The Androids of Tara
Excellent, you’re halfway there already, now the fourth segment can be found in-Oh you have? that was quick. Well, I’d better tell you a story about a prince and a princess then… He is going to marry her, but she isn’t her, she’s her it, which only looks like her. So he’s actually going to marry her it, only he isn’t because he isn’t him, he’s his it. He is actually being held prisoner next door to her, with both their it’s failing to it it off. When Romana turns up – looking exactly like her and her it – she has to pretend to be her. The actual her, not her it. Which is ironic given that she now has her own it (currently being set fire to by a dog). That’s the point when the it hits the fan. What’s the Doctor up to? He’s having drinkies with royalty and getting completely it-faced. That’s about it, oh yes! The legendary Taran Wood Beast has a cameo appearance in this one but it’s quite brief; blink and you’ll miss it. No, seriously… blink and miss it, it’s for the best.
The Power of Kroll
The Power of Kroll is a curious thing/Make a one man dead, make another turn green/Just one part of a powerful whole/More than sushi, that’s The Power of Kroll…
No, the Doctor isn’t wearing purple pants and riding a skateboard but he has got waders, an imaginary flute, a TON of green paint and a plan to stop the biggest monster in the universe by poking it with a stick.
Best take the TARDIS, don’t take K-9/You’ll just need Romana to find the key to time/It’s huge and it’s slimy and it smells of swamp/And it might just take your life/That’s The Power of Kroll…
The Armageddon Factor Congratulations, you’ve made it all the way to the end, I honestly didn’t think I would – er YOU would, i mean. Now the last segment is disguised as a posh bird who’s lost her damp flannel. You’ll have to argue with your shadow a few times and put up with a cockney git for a while, but once you’ve managed that it’ll all be over. Weelllll, maybe not quite. On a planet that isn’t there, you’ll find a very long drawn out game of hide and seek going on, which you mustn’t interfere with! Just start burning the odd dog or two and you’re sorted. Don’t worry, the last 26 weeks will all have been worth it. I promise. Now then, where’s Astra? AstraaaaAAAAAA!!!!!
Destiny of the Daleks
“Mornin’ sir, welcome to Davrust’s Used Carleds. You came just in time sir, only got four left, they’re rollin’ off the forecourt. All from the Dalek range, we got a Shout, a Boom, a Tippytoe and a Nasty. Ignore those ones over they’re sir, they do not move. Now, I know wha’choor finkin; they’re dented, they’re scratched, the paintwork needs a lot of care and attention, but these travel machines will last forever. First class, home grown, Skaro engineering. I mean you could go over the other side of the wasteland and have a look at that all-new, fancy Movellan showroom. But really sir, white upholstery? Devil to keep clean, that is and as for them beaded headrests, come off it! Put togevva wiv screws, batteries ain’t powerful an’ I don’t even know what those pink pointy fings are sp’osed to do. To be honest, two of their models, the Lan and the Agellan, keep breakin’ daarn! and as for their top-of the-line, new model… wassit called, the er, the er, Sharon? Bits keep fallin’ off it! Nah, trust your ol’ mate Davrust, sir. These are classics. You take ‘ome a Dalek and it’ll see you to the end of your life. Shake on it sir?
‘uvver ‘and sir.”
City of Death
The Doctor and Romana travel to a French cafe where they drink a lot of Duggan Punch. It causes them to get a bit hyper and run around the streets of Paris playing chicken with the traffic, which is ironic because they find themselves locked in a cellar surrounded by a rare breed of reversible chickens which appear to have painted several copies of the same famous painting. It’s no good asking the Russian chicken breeder who lives in the cellar about it because he’ll die of old age before he understands his own work but perhaps the Italian Countess upstairs can shed light on what happened. Unfortunately she’s experiencing the after-effects of a bad italian. Fortunately, Leonardo DaVinci’s notebook has the perfect remedy for their condition; simply mix the Duggan Punch with a rotten Spaghetti Bolognese to create a Primordial Soup and you’re cured. Blimey, who said Paris was a relaxing place? Still, you have to smile. Or maybe you don’t… we can’t quite decide.
The Creature from the Pit
Mystic Meg’s cosmic cousin needs help from the Doctor because he’s fallen down a hole and his only companion is Mr Blobby’s intergalactic pen pal, a huge green blob who can only communicate in single entendres. Things have been made worse because the hole is in the back garden of an upperclass murdering psychopath who’s not at all happy that she had to leave her face-painting appointment half an hour early. Her top warrior’s no help because he’s too busy wandering the grounds, dressing in leather and whipping his sprouts at anyone who wants to watch, so she comes up with a drastic solution – she’ll turn the hole into a fighting pit! First contest, a dog with a gun vs a giant green nacker. Who wouldn’t pay to see that?
Now, I know nobody wants to see THAT! Put it away, it’s not big (well it is, actually) and its certainly not clever!
Nightmare of Eden
Curly Chops and The Crack Muppets. A cruise ship captain who’s clearly not getting paid enough and a grumpy git with spaceship envy find themselves literally stuck together after one of them drives the wrong way down the space lanes. But that’s the least of their worries… There’s a drug problem running wild on the ship. It’s high time somebody smoked out the culprits but the passengers are too busy forming lines to be of any help. Glitter and Sparkles (the dopey on-board entertainers) take charge by giving all the staff handguns and talking smack about the heroine. Then they hide in the toilet while Mr and Mrs Mandrel get the munchies and gorge themselves on baked potatoes. The hero meanwhile has brought a sniffer dog but all it finds is a giant hairy monster in the skirting board and, if that wasn’t bad enough, somebody’s weed in the corridors. What a nightmare
The Horns of Nimon
The Leisure Hive
State of Decay
The Keeper of Traken
The PETER DAVISON Years (1982-1984)
Four to Doomsday
Arc of Infinity
The King’s Demons
The Five Doctors
Warriors of the Deep
Resurrection of the Daleks
Planet of Fire
The Caves of Androzani
The COLIN BAKER Years (1984-1986)
The Twin Dilemma
Attack of the Cybermen
Vengeance on Varos
The Mark of the Rani
The Two Doctors
Revelation of the Daleks
The Trial of a Time-Lord 1-4
The Trial of a Time-Lord 5-8
The Trial of a Time-Lord 9-12
The Trial of a Time Lord 13-14
The SYLVESTER McCOY Years (1987-89)
Time and the Rani
Delta and the Bannerman
Remembrance of the Daleks
The Happiness Patrol
The Greatest Show in the Galaxy
The Curse of Fenric
The PAUL McGANN TV MOVIE (1996)
Dr Who and the Daleks (1965)
What strange universe is this? Where’s all the black and white gone? Why didn’t they take that box of chocolates with them to eat on the journey? Who are all these familiar but somehow completely and utterly different people? A man who’s clumsy, bumbling, and outwitted by an 8 year old? That’s not Ian.
A woman who reads science journals and doesn’t get on her high horse every 5 minutes? That’s not Barbara.
A grand-daughter who is brave and intelligent and doesn’t scream? That’s not Susan.
An old grandfather who takes part in illegal human drug testing, advocates the female slave trade, endangers a minor, incites a riot, lies to his friends and family, seems unconcerned with genocide? That’s not… oh.
Well actually, that bit is rather familiar.
Daleks – Invasion Earth 2150AD (1966)
The Daleks’ package holiday to London, Earth doesn’t quite live up to the brochure; The idyllic campsite where they can park their mobile home turns out to be a rubble-strewn, dilapidated factory complex in the city centre covered in Sugar Puffs (other breakfast cereals are available) and the “world’s largest open air swimming pool” is a filthy, corpse infested river! The vibrant, thriving, multi-cultural London nightlife is actually a bitter tramp and an underage girl who hospitalise several of the off-earth tourists in a multiple hit and run during a shopping trip. The warm, friendly locals they were promised are a bunch of homeless squatters who jump out from doors and alleyways to throw smoke bombs at them and even break into their camper van at one point to kidnap their dinner guests. Despite this they find a nice place in the country (well, it’s Bedfordshire but you can pretend) and start to build a holiday villa. Unfortunately, they’re conned by a load of cowboy builders who don’t seem to know what they’re doing and then four environmentalist campaigners turn up and incite a rather violent protest riot, setting fire to the Dalek’s camper van and blowing up their new holiday home. A strong letter of protest to the travel agent is in order I think. Poor Daleks. Maybe they’ll have better luck next year, when they go to Kembel.
K9 & Company
Dimensions in Time
The Curse of Fatal Death
Return of the Missing Episodes – of Doom!