The Way Back & Space Fall
Actually, there were never more than 6 of them and that wasn’t until episode 4 and for the last two series there were only 5 and Blake wasn’t in it. Talk about false advertising. So join our campaign to rename the show “Blake’s or Whoever’s 7 (Actually 6) or Lower” or we’ll tranquilise you, brainwash you, frame you for an unspeakable crime and fire you off into deep space.
Cygnus Alpha & Time Squad
Blake’s 5 settle down to a quiet night in on the sofa with some stickers, a bag of mints, a massive stash of treasure and an inflatable spanner, but the evening’s spoilt by the gate-crashing antics of a violent religious psychopath, some elderly gladiators and a ventriloquist without a dummy. Something tells me this party’s going to end with a BANG…
The Web & Seek-Locate-Destroy
The pressure’s starting to get to them. After spending the day fending off mind control, genocide, girl on girl action, little squeaky white things and an angry midget in a fish tank, the crew of the Liberator go a bit bonkers; listening to a stolen radio, catching amnesia (all of them) and stealing from an – understandably – angry motorcycle courier who seems to have lost his bike. They’re just a bunch of hooligans really.
Mission to Destiny & Duel
It didn’t take long for crew of the Liberator to start pairing off, just in time for a weekend break. Avon and Cally go on a murder mystery weekend in a spaceship full of planks and struggle to solve the crime’s only (very obvious) clue. But, to be fair, it’s hard to concentrate when you’re being stared at by a couple of angry perms while a midget with super strength runs around a load of planks. Blake and Jenna go on a double date in the woods with Travis and his lady friend. They film themselves engaging in rough physical action that leaves them all hot and sweaty. Much to the disappointment of the locals… and the entertainment of Vila and Gan, who are lounging about on the sofa watching it all as it’s streamed live.
Project Avalon & Breakdown
The crew of the Liberator go on one of those team building excersises, you know the kind of thing, a bit of potholing, spaceship racing, flamethrower avoidance, suicidal vortex diving, a rather easy game of hide and seek and hitting each other over the head with bits of the ship. Travis wants to join in but the scantily clad fem-bot he brings with him upsets everyone so he throws a strop and gets his evil balls out. There’s only one thing you can do after an experience like that… but Gan does his Captain Caveman impression instead. They’re not impressed.
Bounty & Deliverance
It’s not what it sounds like… Blake goes camping and breaks a few records with a puppet and a gramophone. Jenna flirts with a very persistent Turkish Delight salesman, while Vila experiments with the kind of necklace you’d usually find in a six year old girl’s dressing up box. Avon discovers that he really is God and Gan gets his rocks off beating up a load of poorly educated homeless men with speech impediments. As for Cally, her newly developed talent for canine mimicry causes her to fail basic camouflage training and so Blake makes her spend 35 minutes lying face down on the floor as punishment. It’s all go on the Liberator. Watching Burt Reynolds eat a coconut chocolate bar in the woods seems a lot more appealing now, doesn’t it?
Orac & Redemption
Travis and Servelan go on a team building excersise where she claims the title of worst dressed spelunker in the universe and loses a bet with Blake who wins a paperweight wrapped in christmas lights by fondling an old man’s tits. The rest of the Liberator crew are busy sweating, vomiting, dressing up, playing with remote control spaceships and getting into a sticky situation with a pair of electronic leotards. So it’s a pretty normal day for everyone. If only Gan could channel the Force….
Shadow & Weapon
Welcome to Space City, the only place to be if you’re looking for fun and games! We have classics like computer chess, custard eating contests and a highly addictive marbles tournament. There are new takes on old games like Telepathic Hide and Seek or the Giant Tiddly-Winks planet (try not to get into a fist fight with the other team). For those of you who prefer less rules to remember we still have Arguing With A Box, How Many Blakes (don’t worry, there’s only 3) and some good old fashioned shouting matches. If you don’t fancy those you can take your chances with our challenging new games, Spider Teasing, Real-Time Psycho Prediction, Instant Death Spot Roulette, Canteen Creature Capture or you could see how long you’ll last on (our favourite) the Smokey Singing Surrender Stairs. Come to Space City… It’s mental!
Horizon & Pressure Point
The Liberator crew are in desperate need of a holiday so they go to a remote planet and take it in turns to film a short corporate training video called “how not to survive in the jungle” before using the fee from that to get into an exclusive (and incredibly makeshift) portable disco, after which, they go topless. I’m not kidding. There’s greased nipple shots, jiggling breast flesh, the lot. Then, because you CAN have too much of a good time, they go up against Travis and Servelan in a teams edition of Far Future Total Wipeout (extreme), The games are Grass Go Bang, Monkey Bar ZZZZsttt! Who’s Behind The Door? and Strontium Rubble Exaggeration. Cheaters WILL be severely punished.
Trial & Killer
It’s strange what the death of a close friend or enemy does to people isn’t it? Servelan starts being honest, Travis finally stops shouting, Cally remembers that she’s telepathic and Avon and Vila gatecrash the Federation Fashion Show. Blake is hit the hardest though, he sulks a lot, leaves the longest voicemail message in history, gets adopted by a talking flea and develops a fetish for ‘water sports’. If only a fatal incurable disease could be discovered, everything could get back to normal… Oh, that’s a bit of luck.
Hostage & Countdown
After a rather heavy-handed attempt to re-decorate the lounge, the crew of the liberator need to take five so they unanimously decide to walk into an obvious trap involving a one eyed man on a mountain and some rubber rocks. After a few minutes alone with Jenna and Cally, a criminally insane smarty pants decides he needs some space while Avon and an old friend play eskimos and fight over a woman. Blake also gets into a fight over a woman, with a straggly-haired bloke who lives in a bush. And there’s a family reunion which hovers dangerously close to being a channel 4 documentary.
Voice from the Past & Gambit
An exercise video for people with nothing left to live for, hedgehog empathy, a japanese mexican version of the invisible man trying to do a welsh accent and an interactive cinema experience to die for isn’t enough for this edition of TimeVault so we’ve thrown in a man having his arm pulled off (always popular), midget pawn (not as popular) and the poshest all-girl bar fight (arousing despite everything) you’re ever likely to see this side of the Narn homeworld. Welcome to Babylon 7.
The Keeper & Star One
Vila makes a fool of himself while Jenna flutters her eyelashes at two Jolly Green Giants who are fighting over which one of them inherits their dad’s tinned vegetable business. Servelan realises that she’s the left the back door to the galaxy open but someone’s nicked her motor so she has to live in a tent surrounded by goths. Travis has invited a load of violent, conquering aliens he met down the pub to take part in a massive intergalactic Battle of Trafalgar flash mob (with himself as Lord Nelson, naturally), unfortunately, he’s spent the last few weeks creating a two-headed creature called Blavon, which picks him up and throws him down a well before trying to break up the flashmob by denying the illegal aliens immigration status. Blake’s 7 meets Game of Thrones meets Invasion of the Bodysnatchers meets Shrek! Beat THAT for a season finale!
Warship & Aftermath
Either we’ve gone blind or the crew of the Liberator have turned invisible because we can’t see a thing. All sounds terribly exciting though; Jenna spaces out, Vila has a Hull of a time and Blake and Cally guest on Servelan’s new Federation talk show. Unfortunately for Avon, he’s been locked in the lounge while the Liberator gets ram raided. Not surprisingly, he chooses to have a vacation and heads off for a sun, sand, sea and sex break. He lies on the beach, watches the locals get cross with other holidaymakers, has a fling with a complete stranger, picks up the ultimate souvenir and leaves a dead disco dancer in the ocean. All in all, the perfect holiday… until the Mrs turns up. Way to kill the mood, love.
Powerplay & Volcano
Vila’s living on a planet where the women only want him for his body, Cally’s learning how to be a space welder and Avon’s become the most inept captain of the Liberator, allowing the Federation to take control of it immediately…twice! Still, that doesn’t stop them from reuniting and replacing the crew members they can’t be bothered to go and look for. Maybe Blake’s Mini-Me and Avon’s pretend wife will have better luck on their first mission as they visit the planet of the pacifists, where if you so much as lean on the doorbell, the friendly, peace loving, anti-violence gimpbot with an electric crotch will beat you to death with a nuclear volcano in the face.
Dawn of the Gods & The Harvest of Kairos
Orac’s gone directly to jail without passing go and without collecting 200 credits, Vila hangs out with a shark on wheels, a snooty Victorian gentleman waggles his rod of truth in Dayna’s face and Cally goes on a night out with an invisible bald midget, ending up in his bed. On the first date? Talk about easy! While all this is going on, Tarrant Scourge Of The Galaxy (his full title) bungles a robbery, loses a fight to a caveman and throws a wobbly about doing his homework. Fortunately, like an exasperated father, Avon’s on hand to point out all his mistakes. And save the universe with just a pencil. Did I say pencil? I meant Graphite Writing Stick.
City at the Edge of the World & Children of Auron
Vila quite fancies some leg… maybe a bit of breast. His new friend, Kerril, is desperate for some sausage. Avon’s looking to resupply his stock of devilled ham. Tarrant thought he’d got prime beef, but it turned out to be the scrag end. Again. Everyone comes to Bayban the Butcher! Except for Servelan. She’s gone to Ron’s copy place. Our Ron’s ever so good, he’ll do you several copies free of charge. All you have to do is give him a fatal dose of the yellow gunge and he’ll copy as much as you want. Just don’t ask for Zelda, she’s a bit thick. Always dresses in a reeeeally tight cagoule and has a jewellery phobia. I think she ought to get fired. Oh.
Rumours of Death & Sarcophagus
Servelan’s having a tea party. She hasn’t invited Avon but he’s going anyway; however, he needs a date, and the only woman he’s ever fancied is dead. That doesn’t stop him though and he sets out to find her. Although, strangely enough, he can’t get her name right. While Avon’s busy with that, Vila’s creating an underground art installation and Dayna’s dressing like a footballer’s wife and playing a space guitar. But no one cares because yet another Cally lookee-likeee has turned up (is there a planet of these people somewhere?) and she wants to make them all her concubines…after they’ve done a little dance. Obviously.
Ultraworld & Moloch
Whilst Servelan is busy (air quote) entertaining the troops, Tarrant and Dayna have been hired by the Blue Man Group to make an instructional sex tape for a giant, carnivorous brain that’s dressed as a glimmer globe covered in Toblerones. Wanting nothing at all to do with this, Vila lounges about practicing stand-up comedy. But when his efforts send a sleepy Avon and Cally quite literally out of their minds, he decides to jack it all in and join the Federation. So he travels to a far away planet that can’t be found where his first job is to pick all the dead mice out of the computer. At least he doesn’t have to clean out the fish tank…
Death-Watch & Terminal
Servelan continues her relentless mission to kill all of her enemies’ family members in overly complicated and unlikely situations. This time, she’s after Tarrant’s brother, Tarrant. Now, if she can get him to look like a pornstar, dress like a power ranger, cram everyone into his head and play a deadly game of hide and seek with a badly named shortarse… Still, while she’s busy with that, Avon is playing his own game of hide and seek, Cally and Tarrant are playing follow the leader, Dayna and Vila are playing who’s oozing, seeping pus is this? and Zen is playing his swan song.
Rescue & Power
Tarrant’s a pilot once more
Dayna goes under the floor
Avon gets caught in a war
Vila just opens a door
Soolin’s a very quick draw
Cally is sadly no more
to Series Four
Traitor & Stardrive Avon’s got a problem. His big end’s gone. But not to worry, he knows where the nearest Honda garage is. Unfortunately, it’s just been swallowed up by a much larger federation, and their director (who’s a real cutie, by the way), is discontinuing the Honda Rebel. Avon has no choice but to look elsewhere. His only other option is to steal a new engine from a load of joyriding battle clowns who like to blow up Federation ships by waving their choppers around. Still he manages to steal a ruddy great space engine out from under their implausibly painted noses and does a runner in a ship that’s now so fast it’s invisible. He WILL still stop to pick up hitchhiker’s… just don’t expect him to remember their names.
Animals & Headhunter Tarrant please start the music/Justin please light the lights/now Sleer can raise the curtain on Bucol 2 tonight! Dayna is putting on make-up/Dayna is dressing up right/She’s keen to get things started in the secret underground genetic experimentation laboratory tonight.
Avon, meanwhile has decided that he needs to get a-head of the game, he doesn’t want to shoulder all the responsibility but he’s not going to stick his neck out for just any body. Unfortunately the new recruit is up to something that’s got him stumped. Vila could help but he’s too busy playing hide-and-seek with Orac and the twins, Sue and Lynn. Funny how you never see them both together….
Assassin & Games
Something’s got them all in a crabby mood. Could it be the fact that someone’s programmed their answer machine message to spout a load of gibberish? Or that Dayna appears to have sand in her character trait? Maybe it’s the fact that some random old bloke’s joined the crew without anyone realising or that Tarrant’s beginning to smell faintly of wet blanket. Whatever the reason, playing some games in the Crystals Maze might cheer them up. Soolin plays a first person shoot-em-up against a state-of-the-art ambidextrous gun, Tarrant has a go on a flight simulator where the object appears to be crashing into things, Vila has to work out what to do with a dead man and someone else’s finger, whilst Dayna fails miserably at hide and seek. I bet this wasn’t in their horoscope. Will you start the bombs please!
Sand & Gold
Sun, Sand, Sea and Sex… well, two out of four’s not bad I suppose. Tarrant goes on holiday to a timeshare he’s booked from a guy called Vern, unaware that it’s been double booked with a very image conscious politician. Her weekend at Vernie’s is turning into a rough night when they discover her ex-boyfriend dead in the cupboard. So when You, Me and Him turn up looking for Vern’s hidden valuables, there’s only one thing Tarrant and Servelan can do. Go to bed. Meanwhile, back at the office… After a very long argument about who tracked mud on to the meeting room carpet, the staff of Scorpio Inc. decide to have a Tarrant-free movie marathon; starting with The Italian Job, moving on to Star Trek IV and finishing with Carry On Again Doctor. Dayna’s impression of Jim Dale on a hospital trolley will be the talk of office parties for years.
Orbit & Warlord
Leaving the others to man the office, Avon and Vila take the company car to a meeting but it breaks down on the way back and they have a very serious argument about who’s going to walk home. Avon apologises with a fancy dress dinner party. But when Tarrant gets caught getting off with a hot punk girl under the coats, his parents are forced to take her home. Coming back in the wee small hours, they find that their hyperactive kids have completely trashed the place!!
Blake & Series Overview
The Scorpio family’s house burns down so they decide to go and stay with Granddad. But, as with all long journeys, they argue with each other so much that Mum and Dad get out and walk, taking little Vila and Dayna with them. As he’s only just passed his test, moody teen Tarrant keeps going, bumps into several other vehicles and ends up in a ditch. Trying to hitch a lift he meets a dirty looking old tramp with funny clothes and a permanent wink who offers him a bag of sweets if he’ll get in the car. So off they go. Ending up at a motorway services in the arse end of nowhere, Tarrant realises he’s been kidnapped, by his Granddad! So he kicks the old guy in the nuts and runs away….straight in to the arms of his family who’ve just arrived in a car they ‘borrowed’ from a couple of murderous hillbilly types they met living in a shed deep in the woods. Dad and Granddad have a stand-up argument about the gobby young woman he’s shacked up with who’s clearly only after him for everything. The argument turns nasty and before you know it Grandad’s lying in a pool of his own blood and his girlfriend’s very large family (who just so happen to own the services station) give the Scorpio family a right good kicking. That’s the last time they’ll get together for a family reunion.